You know that beginning riff of Nina Simone’s “Oh Sinner Man”, right before she cuts in with the lyrics? The beat in that, speeding up till it’s nearly frantic, has pretty much been the tempo of my brain this week. I’m feeling a tad insane.
It’s been a good week. My spring break and my boyfriend’s break from law school amazingly coincided this year, so he’s been here this week. We’ve been lazy and cooked enormous meals and played with the pets and watched a ton of movies (including an entire season of Entourage, the sixth of the series and my first attempt.)
About Entourage: I’ve stayed away from it because it seems like such a guy show. Shockingly, I enjoyed it. Well, parts of it. I liked the characters, it was much less shallow than I’d imagined, there are a few strong, engaging female characters to offset all of that chest-beating.
I sympathized with the wrong girl in the season: Ashley, the interim girl for E. Yeah, the crazy jealous one. I freaking hate the ever-present portrayals of the crazy jealous girl.
It’s just that girl. The too-inquisitive, too-impulsive, too-tightly clinging girl who ends up not only losing the guy but also becoming the stereotype against which every girl struggles. Because really, who of us has not been that girl? God, I have. Everyone I know, at some point, has been. Maybe not to the extent of parody, as in this show. I’ve never asked to check a guy’s emails. But I’ve had that moment of terror, fearing that what I care most about is inexorably slipping away. And sometimes that flash of terror is a burst of clarity, when everything that you’ve been ignoring and explaining away reforms itself into a Frankenstein monster that slaps you upside the head and demands recognition. And sometimes that flash of terror is just a bad alignment of the stars or something, and the weird dream mixes with the funky mood and suddenly everything in life is in question and all of your castles are built on shifting sand… until sanity floods back in and you see that everything is really just fine. That’s not the point- I know that happens. But I friggin hate the pathologizing of those fears.
I wasn’t actually planning on talking about Entourage today. I’m actually just attempting to divert my attention from this whole insane Nina Simone tempo-thing going on in my head. Holy mother of god, but I’m stressed. I overloaded a bit on the classes this semester. No one’s fault but my own. I got all starry-eyed by the fact that I could take six classes for the price of five… and I’m weak, so I succumbed. And given my more flexible work schedule, I have time to take all of these fascinating classes–Victorian lit, Gender and Shakespeare– all this fun stuff that makes me drool. And then the paper abstracts (yes, that’s plural) that I submitted to conferences were accepted. Which is fantastic, but since I now have to write the papers which the abstracts promised, it’s a little rough on top of the classes. And then my scheduling manager at work decided to take me at my word and give me as many hours as I requested…. And now I have so much to do that I’m moments away from rocking in a corner and drooling on myself. Really.
Which begs the question: what, exactly, am I trying to prove? The whole grad school carrot/whip thing is seeming so much less important than, well, my sanity.
I kind of want to quit everything in my life, move to a commune and raise goats. Victorian ghosts be damned.
This post seems ridiculously negative. To provide just a tad of contrast, here’s what I love best about today:
- Long walks with the boyfriend and the dog at sunset. Makes me happy.
- Taking the night off from the homework-stress and relaxing with season one of Modern Family. Makes me cackle maniacally, which is always fun.
- The absolutely amazing dinner the aforementioned boyfriend cooked for me. I’m terribly spoiled. Yep, makes me happy.
- Finding out that the area of the Philippines my parents are in wasn’t affected by the earthquake in Japan. And that my friends in Japan are safe. I suppose that, truly, provides the best contrast to my stupid problems.